Tenebrae

Tonight I took Boo to the Good Friday Tenebrae Service. If you have never attended one of these, I highly recommend it! It is possibly my most favorite service of the entire year, right up there with Christmas and Easter. The goal of this service is to punctuate the seriousness of our sin and the importance of Christ's sacrifice, as well as communicating the emotional state of Good Friday. It is certainly not a joyous feel good service, but it is one of the most moving. It stirs me to the depths of my soul.

One of the main aspects of a Tenebrae Service is the quietness with which the service is conducted. And at the conclusion everyone is supposed to leave the sanctuary and the church in silence, without greeting one another. This was quite interesting because telling Boo not to talk is like telling him not to breathe! When he is awake he is almost constantly talking. He prattles incessantly. At church the best we can usually do is to get him to whisper, but even that is more of a stage whisper. Normally this is not an issue, as his sound is drowned out by all that is happening in church. But tonight, the stillness and the silence and the darkness in the sanctuary was an altogether different experience.

The alter and pulpit were clothed in plain black, and all the beautiful golden crosses and adornments were absent. The large wooden cross which stands at the front of the church during lent was draped in black and topped with a thorny crown. At the start of service there were lit six simple white candles and in the center one larger candle to represent Christ. Near the end of the service, Pastor began reading the Passion story from the book of John. The reading was split into seven sections, and after each section, the congregation sang a verse of the hymn O Sacred Head Now Wounded and then one candle was extinguished and part of the lights were turned off. After the last reading, all the lights were off and the center "Christ Candle" was removed from the sanctuary. Everyone sat in silence considering the story they had just heard. Then a loud noise reverberated through the sanctuary, symbolizing the sealing of the tomb. After a few moments, the Christ Candle was returned and just enough lights turned on to be able to see our way out. Everyone rose and left the church in silence. That silence was more piercing than the loudest sound I ever heard. I left the church with the most solemn and reverent feeling.

The post that I had planned to write for today seems somehow unimportant. My heart and mind are focused on the bitter sacrifice of my Savior. My sincere plan for you this Easter weekend is that you would have not only a knowledge of the events we celebrate, but by the Grace of God that you would have a saving faith. Jesus gave himself up for us, even when we were still in our sin, that we might have a relationship with God and be granted his Grace and Salvation. Only by faith in Jesus can we receive this free gift. Let us focus our hearts on the Love of the Lord this weekend. Because bunnies and eggs are fabulous fun (and we shall enjoy them) but empty tomb of Jesus that first Easter morning is the greatest joy that has ever been known to mankind.

Hallelujah, He is risen indeed!

Family Night

Boo has been anticipating "family night" at school. The preschool does two of these a year, one at Halloween and one at Easter. The premise of tonight: bring your own eggs, the school provides the dye and takes care of the clean-up. Then all the kids have an Easter Egg hunt in the classroom/church. This event involves both the three year old and the four year old class plus siblings.

Boo was thrilled at the idea of dying eggs. He was happily helping Mammo boil them this morning as I left for work. When I arrived back at her house this evening to pick him up, instead of being met with the usual disappointment (he's NEVER ready to leave) he declared "It's TIME!" We arrived at the school and he darted up the stairs to the fellowship hall. He quickly surveyed the room and to no one's surprise, chose to sit next to Little Britches. As they dipped their eggs together side by side, Boo spontaneously announced "I love you LB." And LB replied "I love you too Boo." They made quick work of dying the eggs and were thrilled with the results. After the dying was done the kids grabbed their baskets and Mrs. K announced the rules of the hunt. She did a quick head count, pulled out her calculator, and told us that each child was allowed to pick up 11 eggs. And with that, 18 screaming munchkins with baskets streamed down the stairs followed by grinning parents with cameras.

The low-hanging fruit was plucked quickly. After a brief search of the first room, Boo had no eggs. He ran into the next room with a huge grin on his face and watched other kids grab the obvious eggs before he had the chance. He suddenly started moving toward despair, exclaiming that he couldn't find any. There was distress in his voice and I knew I'd better step in before the meltdown started. But before I had the chance, in stepped Little Britches. He was calm and reassuring. "Don't worry, Boo, I'll help you." LB already had five eggs in his basket. He walked around the building finding eggs and selfishly handing them over to Boo. After they each had five, they continued to work together to find more eggs. I was in awe once again of this sweet little boy and the instinctual way that he loves Boo and keeps him on an even keel. Our plan is for Boo to attend a private parochial school when he starts kindergarten this fall. My one major misgiving in this is the idea of separating Boo and LB. I only hope that our efforts at maintaining the friendship are successful, and that we find another friend at the new school as wonderful as LB has always been.

Being Aware

In the past I have always sort of inwardly groaned about "awareness" campaigns of various sorts. Breast Cancer awareness, AIDS awareness, and the like. I always thought, really? Is there anyone out there who isn't aware of AIDS? Do we really have to wear ribbons and fill the news with sad stories on a particular month or day in order for people to be aware of this disease?....That was then.

Today was Palm Sunday. The day we celebrate the triumphal entry of Jesus into Jerusalem. The beginning of Holy Week. When I picked Boo up from his Sunday School class his teacher Mrs. W told me that the children would begin the church service with a palm leaf processional and the parents were invited to join as well. She said they had not practiced this, but had told the children of the plan. As we walked down the hall I showed Boo the stack of palm leaves and asked if he knew what they were and if he knew what they would be doing with them. He had no idea and I was certain he had not been listening in the part of the morning when the plan was introduced. So I made a quick explanation and he seemed very excited by it.

We went to the fellowship time, or "the eating place" as Boo calls it, and had our snacks. Then he went to the nursery room to play with the other kids till it was time for church to begin. When I told him that they were handing out palm leaves he was excited. But then everyone lined up in the back of the church to wait for our processional to begin. This was a process that took several minutes longer than the length of Boo's patience. By the time we were ready to walk up the aisle he was ready to loose it. We made it through just fine and back to our pew without incident. But it didn't take long for me to see that this unexpected change in the church routine had taken its toll on Boo's coping skills. Before long I had a sobbing boy who was nearing meltdown level. I picked him up and carried him out of the sanctuary, down the hall, and sat with him in an armchair and just let him cry it out and tell me how sad he was. It took several minutes to calm him. He was also upset that I had forgotten to bring his backpack with his snacks in it. I decided to take him to the kitchen and allow him a couple extra cookies. I am still worried that this may have set a precedent that will be very difficult to break, but I felt it would be most compassionate to allow him some leeway since we were out of routine and I know how hard that is for him.

We got through the rest of the service without incident and left with a happy boy. He had been given a sticker with a red heart and a cross on it. He likes stickers and likes to put them on his shirt, but after only a minute or two they bother him and he usually removes them and gives them to me. So he took this sticker also and affixed it to the back of my hand. He told me that this is to show that I sinned but God still loves me. I wore it proudly all day!

After church began the countdown to the much anticipated event of the week: H's birthday party! Boo has been preparing for this for days, talking incessantly about Sunday at 1:00. Yesterday he excitedly helped me wrap the gift he had chosen, and carefully wrote out and signed the card, then taped the pinwheel and the card to the gift and placed it on the entryway table. He told everyone in church today, including Pastor, about the party. We arrived and Boo was thrilled to join his friends playing. There seemed to be children everywhere you looked. Classmates and cousins and siblings as far as the eye could see. It was blissful child chaos, running, yelling, laughing, and squealing with delight. Some of the parents dropped off their children and I was assured that it would be fine for me to do the same. I'm glad I opted to stay. I was concerned about Boo's tolerance to the level of noise and disorder. He was already a bit out of sorts after the morning's events. But he took it in stride, smiling joyfully. AND THEN....

Boo spied one of the holy grails of toys in H's room; a race track! It was the coolest thing ever. Four lanes, and something that seemed to be a sort of launching device. He carried it to the living room and asked me how to make it work. I told him that he would need to ask H because I was unfamiliar with the toy. Soon the kids had found four or five track pieces and the room was filled with preschoolers trying to assemble this track. It was the consummate example of too many chiefs. Everyone was working at odds with one another and the track was not coming together looking like anything a car would actually be able to race across. The sections were not level and it just wasn't going together correctly. Boo was becoming more and more distraught and I sensed that he was approaching his limit. He began wailing to the other kids "That's not right! It won't work! You can't do it like that!" I entered the fray trying to calm him, but to no avail. I only made things worse. The other kids were called away to eat lunch and Boo's meltdown escalated. I was on the floor with him trying to talk him down but he would hear none of it. He refused to allow me to even speak to him, throwing himself on the floor, kicking, flailing and screaming. I reasoned, cajoled, cooed, spoke sternly, tried to hold him (at my own peril), and finally told him that if he could not get under control we would have to go home. Several times I threatened to take him and leave and he did NOT want to go but he was unable to calm down. I finally picked him up and held him against me as best I could amid the kicking legs, arched back, and flailing arms. Meanwhile, the adults in the room, family members of the birthday boy whom I had never met, looked on in what appeared to be shock and maybe even horror, though my perception was admittedly altered by my own embarrassment. I walked Boo to the front door and someone kindly opened the door for me. Over my shoulder I said "I think we'll be back." I'm not even sure anyone could hear me.

Outside Boo continued to wail and scream that he did not want to leave the party. I told him that if he wanted to stay he would have to get control of himself. He finally sobbed that he just wanted to go home. I walked him to the car, my own tears welling up in my eyes. As I placed him in his seat I told him that we did not have to go home if he did not want to. He finally calmed down enough to realize that he would rather stay at the party. I told him he could only stay if he stopped throwing a fit. He was still crying, but under control, and he told me "it's just so HARD Mom!" We were finally able to rejoin the party inside. As we entered the front door I saw a couple adults disassembling and removing the race track. They glanced up at me and I read their expressions as condemnation for bad parenting, but I realize now that I was just projecting my own insecurities.

As we were going back in the house, I saw Boo's BFF pull up in the driveway. This thrilled my heart because Boo and Little Britches (as I call him) have such a unique and special bond that I rarely worry when they are together. LB seems to have a calming effect on Boo, and also seems to sense what he needs and intervene as needed. He and his mother, whom I have dubbed "The Boo Whisperer" are truly some of the best blessings God has brought to us. As The Boo Whisperer entered the room where I sat with the other adults, I announced to her that she had just missed one of Boo's epic fits. "Oh really," she asked. I explained that there was a race car track that wouldn't go together correctly and I said "and you know what that does to him!" She replied emphatically "oh yes, I do." What bothered me most about this exchange was that I was completely aware that I was in essence putting on a show for these other adults in the room. I wanted them to understand that my child was not simply a brat and that I was not simply a bad parent. I didn't use the "A" word because I don't want to constantly use his diagnosis to brand him or label him. I don't want him walking around with a blinking neon sign over his head that says "I'm different." And yet, at the same time, I want people not to judge. I want others not to think less of him when he reaches his breaking point and has outbursts, or when he behaves oddly, or when he speaks in a strange, repetitive, unnatural way. I don't want other kids to steer clear of him. I want the same things for him that every parent wants for every child. Understanding, love, and acceptance.

But in order for that to happen, the population at large needs to have an awareness not just of the fact that autism exists, but of what it is, what it looks like, and that the people who have it and who deal with it daily want and need the very same things that they do. At the party today the kids were playing house and one girl announced "I'm the mom!" A boy declared "I'm the dad!" And Boo stated matter-of-factly "I'm a four year-old kid." And in the end, that's exactly what he is. He's not an autistic kid. Not even a kid with autism. He's just a four year-old kid.

So we are joining with many of our friends around the world tomorrow in the effort to "light it up blue" for Autism Awareness. Our porch light will be blue. Our shirts will be blue. Even my fingernails will be blue. And I urge you to take some time to do something to raise your level of awareness. Go farther than just listening to the "experts" on TV. Contact someone you know who has a family member with an ASD diagnosis. Read some blogs by parents dealing with it. Get a real sense of the people behind the label. Let's turn awareness into action and understanding.

Won't You Be My Neighbor

Recently a family with three children moved in next door to us. These are the first children that have lived on our block in several years and they are a really sweet family. The children are 6, 8, and 10. Just a few weeks ago Boo was invited to their yard for the first time. They have a full size trampoline in the back yard and he had been aching to jump on it. He was thrilled beyond measure! Since then he's been to their yard a few times and they have been to ours a few times. Last night when we got home he wanted to invite his friends over but he was devistated to find them not home. It took us a while to recover from the tears. I assured him that they would probably be home the next day and he could invite them then.

This morning he woke me up around 7:30 and almost the first words out of his mouth were asking if he could go see if his friends were home. I told him that it was much too early and that it would be rude to ring their bell so early. I told him he would have to wait. For the next two hours he came to me at regular intervals asking if it was still early. I finally let him watch Stuart Little 3 and told him that he could not go next door until the movie was over. He still kept asking if it was early. Finally the movie was over and I had to consent to allow him to go ring the bell next door. He was elated. I was anxious.

This was a major first for Boo. He has asked other parents to set up playdates before, but has never gone to someone's door and asked them to play. I was nervous. I wished I'd had a way to clear this with the other parents first. I imagined what would happen if they had other plans and they said no. I envisioned a meltdown on their front porch. So I made Boo practice with me first. I asked him what he would say when they answer the door, and how he would respond if they said no. He was having a rare moment with absolutely no anxiety or reservation about doing something new and my heart was SOARING! (And beating pretty fast and hard)

I escorted Boo across the yard and we saw that the kids' dad was standing on the front porch. I told Boo "look, their dad is already outside." He approached undaunted till I suggested that he go ahead and ask the dad the question he had practiced. He took one look at the dad, whom he had not met previously, and retreated with his back turned, refusing to speak. I knelt down and asked him what was wrong but he said "I don't want to TELL you." The dad was grinning and asked if he should go and get the mom. I asked Boo if he would rather ask the mom and he said yes. The dad went inside to retreive the mom and she emerged with all of the kids. Boo was so excited he was chattering nonstop and stuttering quite a bit. (Stuttering is common for him when he is nervous, excited, or upset) He finally managed to get his question out, "Can your kids come out and play?"

The family was planning to go to town together to buy seeds to plant in their garden. Boo was so distraught. It took a little convincing, but we finally got him to agree that they could come over later in the day. A few hours later the doorbell rang and two bright young faces smiled up at me asking, "Can Boo come play now?" I agreed and watched him happily traipse across the yard with his friends...without me! It was bittersweet. My heart was both breaking and soaring. This was quite a milestone for my sweet boy.

Not long after Boo went next door, the children all decided they would rather play at our house. First they played outside for a while, then they came indoors. They were here for several hours and we couldn't have had more fun! There was never even a mention of tv or computer games. They painted pictures, made crafts, played store, house, cars, trains, and doctor. Not once did I interrupt a fight or argument because there simply weren't any. It was everything I always wanted a Saturday at home to be.

The neighbor kids have gone back home now, and while it was very hard for Boo to see them leave, I am counting this day as a huge win in our book. I think this is the beginning of something great! You couldn't pry the smile off my face right now!

TEN MONTHS!

I absolutely can not believe it's been ten months since I have posted here! It's kind of hard to even imagine what all has happened for us in almost a year! Boo is now in his second and last year of preschool, and boy is the year flying! We are now preparing for his fifth birthday in a little over a month and I can't believe how much OLDER five seems than four. Boo is excited about starting kindergarten in the fall. He will be going to school all day for the first time, which makes me a bit antsy, but he is excited about it. His biggest complaint about preschool is that sometimes they run out of time to finish what they are working on and this REALLY bothers him. Sometimes to the point of a breakdown. So when I told him that at kindergarted he would get to stay all day, and even eat lunch there, he was THRILLED! He exclaimed, "You mean I get to stay ALL day, till it's DARK outside!?" No, Dear, not quite THAT long. LOL

He has a thirst for knowledge that seems unquenchable and an intelligence that astounds me. He knows so much about how the world works, the rules that govern both the natural world and society. Thanks to his acute powers of observation, and his intense study of tv shows such as Sid the Science Kid, Wild Kratts, How It's Made, and World's Toughest Fixes, he routinely blows us away with the stuff that comes out of his mouth. Also, he is an astute reader. I have to be careful about this. Sometimes I forget that he can read and it gets me into trouble. Other times even without forgetting it causes an issue.

We have been invited to a classmate's birthday party this weekend and Boo is so excited he can hardly stand it. Every day he asks me if it's party day yet, though he knows full well that it is not. A few days ago we made a trip to Walmart to select a gift, which was surprisingly easy, and a card, which was surprisingly tough. I took him to the section of birthday cards aimed for boys around his age and directed him to choose a card for his friend. He began picking up and reading cards that looked interesting to him. The problem came when he became attached to a few cards that I considered inappropriate but which he thought to be the height of hilarity. We came toe to toe over one with a picture of a dog dressed as a pirate with this text: "It's your birthday, Matey. I left you a present on the POOP deck." Boo was cracking up over this card, not even understanding the pun, but loving the idea of shouting the word POOP multiple times in public. I told him that he needed to choose another card. It almost got ugly, but he finally chose a card with penguins which had a sheet of stickers inside. Except, he wanted to put some of the stickers on his shirt. I told him that the stickers were for the birthday boy. He assured me that he would leave some of them for his friend. No, sweetheart, ALL of the stickers are for your friend. Who ever thought that choosing a card would be the tough part? SHEESH!

Our Grams (my grandmother) was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, which came as a huge shock to us all, considering she is in her 80's! It has been a long and stressful journey from mammogram to biopsy to lumpectomy. During the process I bought her a card to give her a much needed laugh. The front said something to the effect of: "Much later you will look back on this with the wisdom that time bestows and you will think," and inside it read: "Wow. That SUCKED!" Grams cracked up laughing and of course Boo had to find out what was so funny. He read the card too. Now once in a while he randomly announces in a loud voice, "Wow, that sucked!" and then laughs wildly.

Boo has made great strides in his social abilities, thanks to some very hard work this year from his speech therapist. He is learning more about the importance of reciprocity in his interactions. He is learning about turn-taking and how to be a good sport when he looses. He is still working on dealing with the disappointment when his friends don't do what he wants or expects. Most of his play is still based in scripting from his favorite tv shows, but I have seen more and more instances of truely creative imaginative play. It always warms my heart.

I am not going to bore you with ten months worth of catching up. We'll just pick up from this point and move forward. Besides, I'm so tired right now I can hardly think, let alone type.

More Than Meets the Eye

A few days ago Boo caught me watching trailers for summer release movies on the internet. When he walked up I was watching one for Transformers Dark of the Moon. He was very interested in what he was seeing. I was concerned that the dramatic fighting sequences would be too much for him. But he did not seem bothered. He asked a lot of questions and we talked a lot about what the transformers are and what they do. He asked to watch the trailer again. Then he noticed the thumbnail below for the Cars 2 trailer and asked to see that. We watched both of the Cars 2 trailers and talked about that.

About a month ago my dad had told me that Cars 2 would be coming out in June and said that he wants to take Boo to see it. I thought that sounded great, as I had already decided that I would like to attempt Boo's first movie theatre experience this summer. But I was concerned as to how well my dad would handle it. I have been discussing this with my mom and we decided that we need to start discussing it with Boo. We haven't really learned how to write social stories yet but we hoped that we could prepare him for what to expect just with discussion. So when he was all excited about the new cars movie, I decided to introduce the idea.

We talked about what a movie theatre is and what we do there. We talked about the fact that Cars 2 will not be available at Walmart. It will only be at the theatre. We talked about the fact that it will come to theatres on June 24. Boo was very excited. Every day since that he has asked me immediately upon waking if it is June yet. He showed both of the Cars 2 trailers and both of the Transformers trailers to his Mammo and told her all about them.

At church today Boo decided to join the children with Pastor up front for the children's message. He insisted I go with him as usual. The message was way over Boo's head, but he sat quiet and polite (mostly) while Pastor spoke. At one point, he whispered to me, "if I say 'excuse me' will it be my turn to talk?" (we have been working very hard to curtail his habit of interrupting) I told him that it would not, and that he must wait till Pastor finished the message and then he could talk to him. As soon as the message was done and the children were dismissed back to their parents, James said "Pastor?" The entire church sat silent and Pastor leaned down toward his little parishioner. "Yes, Boo?" And then Boo surprised me by suddenly launching into a description of Transformers, who they are, what they do, what they are called. I was trying to steer him away but he would not be dissuaded. It can be near impossible to stop him in the middle of one of these type of speeches. Somehow, perhaps by divine intervention, Pastor managed to say exactly the right thing. "Can we talk about it after church?"

All of this, of course, was broadcast for the congregation via Pastor's lapel microphone. We returned to our seats amid stifled giggles and grins. Boo was (mostly) good throughout the rest of the service. The instant that church was over, he just couldn't get to Pastor fast enough! He had not forgotten, and he was anxious for his promised chance to continue the discussion. When we finally got through the line and it was our turn to shake hands with Pastor, Boo gave quite the informative speech. He told Pastor that the good Transformers are called Autobots, and that the bad ones are Decepticons. You just never can tell what's going on inside that little mind.....

Four on the Floor

It's been quite busy around here lately! A class field trip, Easter, a friend's birthday party, a church carnival, daddy being home for a week, and Boo's birthday. There are so many things I have longed to share, but haven't found the time to get my thoughts out. The birthday was a huge success! It was the first time Boo had a party with his friends. We had a backyard bash, and the day was a gorgeous as could be.

There were only two hitches. First, Boo refuses to believe or admit that he is now four. He insists on staying three. He is not motivated by the idea of being bigger. He wants to stay little and he says he likes being three. While I relish the fact that my little guy isn't in a hurry to grow up, facts are facts. But he keeps insisting he is three. LOL

The second problem involved his birthday present. Last year, he got his first bike, a 12 inch one that he adored, but which was causing him to practically eat his knees this spring! We got him a new 16 inch bike and he knew it was coming. He was so excited to get it, the very instant we gave it to him he insisted on going for a ride. He also received a new helmet and knee and elbow pads. He readily put them on, which surprised me. I had never required it of him in the past, and as a general rule he hates things on his head. But he geared up and we headed out. When Boo goes bike riding, he has a very specific path he takes. Any suggestion that we vary the path is met with extreme resistance. Once I got him to go half a block out of route at which time he had a total meltdown and insisted on going home. Later when he was more able to discuss his emotions he told me that he had been lost because he didn't know where he was. The route he takes is not circular. We go across town and down a certain one way street, and back the same way. On his birthday, we went all the way to the end of the one way street, turned around, and got about a third of the way back when the problem started. Having ridden the bike about 40 minutes, he suddenly realized that both of the training wheels on the bike did not turn at all times. Of course, that is exactly how they are designed to work. As he leans to the right or left, the training wheels support him and keep him from falling. But in Boo's mind, wheels are made to spin. And if a vehicle has four wheels, then all four wheels must spin. He has rejected toy cars in the past if all four wheels did not spin freely. So the fact that the training wheels "didn't work right" rendered the entire bike un-rideable. I reasoned, I bargained, I begged, I cajoled, I threatened, I feigned walking away, nothing worked. My Boo sat motionless and sobbing in despair, refusing to pedal the bike. I reached my breaking point. I turned into Mommy Hyde. I yelled, I was angry, I threatened to take the bike back to the store. I ended up pushing him on the bike all the way back home. You talk about a LONG walk! By the time we arrived home, Boo wailing and me seething, he was begging me to take his bike back to the store. I took him into the house, and eventually was able to calm both of us down enough to comfort him. I told him I would ask Daddy to "fix" his training wheels so they would work right and he said that would be acceptable. I left him with his great grandma and I went out to the garage. It didn't take long before I collapsed into a sobbing heap of bitter desperate tears. I cried to my mom and my husband, told them how horribly I had behaved toward poor Boo. How much I hate myself when I treat him that way. How very hard it is at times to remember that it's not his fault, he can't control it, and he's not just being obstinate. It really does bother him THAT much. I felt like the worst mother in the entire world. My husband and I wept in each other's arms, then he got out his wrenches and lowered the training wheels as low as they would go. Later that afternoon when everyone was more relaxed, Boo agreed to try the bike again. The wheels were low enough that they at least appear to him to be spinning at all times, and he is thrilled with the bike once again. Of course, now my mantra is a constant reminder to look ahead of him instead of staring at the training wheels to make sure they are spinning.